Ptsd 2
Emotions raw
Ok,
Today I am a mess, worse than I have been in a few months!! I am laying there next to my boyfriend all the sudden my whole body gets hot, like fire hot I can't breath heart racing I'm trying to stay calm the more I try the worse it gets. my chest felt like it was caving in suffocating me, I rushed down downstairs to take my medication, I became hysterical, felt like my throat was closing I could not physically swallow, I began to really freak out I bent over head between my knees tears rushing down my face hitting the floor I wanted so bad to cut myself sometimes that's the only thing that can pull me out of that hysterical state, but I fought and won that battle sweating and face swollen and beat read I finally began to calm down, but anything I mean any little thing would push me right back to where I was. I am so tired of this it's so embarrassing hate that I can't be who I want to be!! this is a battle everyday that I get closer and closer everytime to collapsing and giving in. I was so emotional that I could not go to my therapist appointment ,that was not something I was ready to deal with today. I have not showered I have not brushed my teeth I feel disgusting but I do not have the energy to do it, my muscles hurt from the panic attacks I'm sore all over from being so tense. I can't work, I don't want to go anywhere, when will this end, when will it ever stop! I'm a mother for fuck sake I want more for my children! This day was one of the worst days I have had in about a month I'm coming up on my son who passed awaya b-day on the 19th makes it worse because is grave is in Texas I can't even visit and I'm so sick of people telling me he's in my heart he's always with me well I ì don't want him in my heart I want him in my fuking arms!!! I just don't know if I'm strong enough anymore I'm mentally and physically exhausted!
Signed
Just a girl
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